Excerpts about Men, Sex, Cocktails, Girl Talk, and More

        I know my birthday was last month but bare with me, so much has gone on and I promise not to leave anyone in suspense anymore. So anywho, I’m a June baby and I wasn’t going to make a big deal about my day but my former “friend” had other plans. See our birthdays are a day apart and she wanted to combine days. Now I just wanted to stay at home, maybe get some birthday sex from Jo, but I said what the hell, my two cousins are coming up from N.C. that same weekend so let’s get it in. My ex friend, Jaime, dates my older cousin who is more like a big brother to me. They met two years ago when I brought her down South to a family function, fell “in love”, got that fucker to move from Atlanta to VA and the rest was historic bliss…..or so he thought until he found out the heifer had some screws loose. Don’t judge me, if I had known she would have switched up and started acting like crazy ass Ali Lauter from Obsessed when she got a man, I would have told my cousin to pump his brakes…..but I digress. Jaime has this issue where shit is never good enough. She cares what people think, she compares herself to other people, and she’s just a damn downer. I’m started to question how the hell we even got to be friends. She wanted to go eat at The Hudson on M Street in D.C. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my city, I love quality food and great atmosphere but I’m also from N.C. too. Jaime has champagne taste on a beer budget. The Hudson is lovely but I know good chicken and mashed potatoes, and for $20 I can make that shit myself. Do I have money? Of course I do, but I only feel it’s necessary to spend it on important things, like that sequin dress in French Connection in Jersey for $198 (tax-free baby). I’m thinking, all her friends are broke, why the hell would she want to have dinner at a place like this? So I suggested going to Ping Pong Dim Sum because let’s face it, she just wanted to go to The Hudson to take pictures and put them on her Facebook page like she had money anyway.  Ping Pong has the same chic atmosphere with a minimal price tag. You’d think she would want to go but she threw a bitchfit so we let her have her way. Since we all knew that the actual Birthday party was going to be shitty, my older cousin, his older brother, and our youngest cousin went out bar hopping in Adam’s Morgan the night before (you want cheap drinks in D.C., go to Adam’s Morgan). We had the best time.  Our youngest cousin, Blu, is a Marine with a “I don’t have anything to lose because I’ve been deployed 2xs and they’re sending my ass back again” attitude so you could just imagine how my night went. I spent my night, the only chick, with a bunch of dicks but it was family and it was great. The next day, was a totally different story.

    I knew it was going to hell when I was stuck in traffic on 95 on a Saturday. Halfway down, my cousin, Julio texted and said that the monster was coming out and I might not want to make it down. I’m like “fuck that,” I’m already stuck halfway down the highway in traffic, my ass is going somewhere. Finally, as I got into Virginia I got out the car to see my two cousins Julio and Noon coming outside with these shitty looks on their faces. Soon after Jamie and her best friend that no one likes followed out like I was ready to go. I’m standing in my sweats with no make up and she thinks I’m taking my ass to The Hudson. So strike number one, I had to rush myself and get ready and stuff myself in the back seat with Noon and Jaime’s friend Lynn…ugh. On the way into the city, Jaime was driving reckless as usual, my cousin Julio looked like he was at his wit’s end, my cousin Noon just wanted to get drunk, and Lynn was talking about shit that no one cared about. The only one who had some sense not to come was our youngest cousin Blu, he had to play family man and spend some QT time with his wife and child. As we’re riding I realized I forgot my damn license and Jaime with her snarky ass attitude says “Midway through our food, Julio and you can go back home so you can get your car and go home and get your license.” Now, if I live 40 min outside of D.C. why the hell would I have my cousin take me back to Virginia to get my car, drive past D.C. and go home to get my license, then go into D.C. and then go back to Virginia and sleep at their place? Is this bitch stuck on stupid? Me and Julio looked at each other and just read each others faces. As we arrived at the restaurant me and Noon set at one end of the table while Jamie and Julio set at the other end and her friends started arriving later and filling up the middle. Even without my license Noon and I downed two pitchers of this white peach infused sangria or whatever the hell it was. At the end, the tension was building between my other cousin and my “friend”. She was just being bitchy that things weren’t going her way and taking it out on him, for someone to be turning 28 like her, she needs to cut out the teenage bullshit.

                After I had finished my last drink me and Julio made our way to my house to get my I.D. card. We had a nice chat, not bashing Jamie because I don’t get down like that. Everything I’ve said about her in this blog I’ve said to her face. We get my stuff, then go to a gas station, fill her gas tank up because we took her car and he bought her chain-smoking ass a pack of cigarettes. We were literally back in the city in no time and met up with everyone at Ozio. If you like the urban atmosphere I prefer this place better than LOVE (eww), Lux Lounge (double eww) and Ibiza (yeah that shit is urban now too).  We get in and Jamie starts playing her part again. You know those chicks that pretend to be drunker than they really are when you know they’ve literally just took a sip of a drink? Well homegirl should have gotten an Academy Award for Best Actress because this chick was showing her ass. She was stumbling, she was cursing, she was turning red, she was slurring her words, her friends were falling for the bullshit, and then she snapped on my family! Julio was trying to be a concerned boyfriend and voice his concern, “What’s wrong babe?” Then this chick got cuckoo, “I’M FUCKING READY TO GO! ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING JULIO?! I’M FUCKING DRUNK. I WANT TO GO FUCKING HOME!” I have never in my life wanted to put my hands on someone as much as that night, and it was my birthday! Noon literally had to sit on me to block me from whoopin’ her ass and then in the next breath she goes “I’m fine, we can all stay,” and then starts laughing. Julio leaves the situation, me and Noon get our drinks and leave the situation, and Jamie is there with her crazy ass friends. For the next hour we avoided each other like the plague and then ended up outside. I was talking to a gentleman from the club, Julio was outside blowing off steam and Jamie came out like nothing was wrong, and then the rest followed bringing the night to an end. As we were leaving I knew it was going to be over. My cousin is 31 and ready to settle down. He has no time for bullshit and that right there was some bullshit. The drive back to the house was long and you could feel the tension. Again, I’m in the backseat with Noon and Lynn’s crazy ass with her running her mouth about how she can’t wait to get into the guest bed when we all get back to Virginia. Now I let Jamie’s ass slide but this chick was going to get it:

“Um you’re not sleeping in the guest room. My cousin drove all the way here from N.C. He’s sleeping in the guest room.” I said

“Well someone’s sleeping there.”

“I know ho, he is. This dude is 6’5, his big ass is not sleeping on the couch.

That shit isn’t even right and you know it.” I replied

Lynn spent the rest of the night shutting the hell up and left the house when we got there. Good, the heifer needs to be home with her son anyway. The next morning, I got up and made my way back home to M.D., Noon got up and went back to N.C., and Julio was up and ready to regulate. Later that day he hit me up and let me know it was over between them, he couldn’t even wait until after her birthday for the break-up, it was that bad. So next step is that me and him are moving in with each other. The circumstances suck because I’ve lost a friend but the outcome is due to Jaime and her actions. I said in the beginning of their relationship that I wasn’t in it. I wasn’t going to change so I didn’t expect them to change and stop being my family and my friend. When she became the girlfriend she stopped treating me like a friend and started treating me like Julio’s cousin. Am I still a little pissed how things turned out, yes but as a grown up you live and you learn. My lesson is that my friends are no longer allowed to date my family and that’s how I plan to keep it. I’m cock-blocking for family now, and I’m on my job 24/7.