Excerpts about Men, Sex, Cocktails, Girl Talk, and More

    Don’t believe everything that Tyler Perry says or does in his movies. Real Southern women wouldn’t dare waste grits on a man.   That’s good breakfast food! Don’t get me wrong, we will burn your ass up but we have other ways to do that. I learned my methods of getting my point across from my mother. A Geechee woman from South Carolina, she knows how to make a man listen and behave. Now if I had followed my mother to a tee I would’ve crushed up a sleeping pill, put it in Nathan’s drink, heat up some grease, and as Nathan fell asleep, poured that hot grease on his dick. Good idea but no way to explain that in the court of law. That has intent and malice written all over it. Instead I had a better idea.

    The day after I found out all of that bullshit I knew I was going to fix Nathan’s ass up real good. A lot of people would probably ask the question, “Why are you so mad? You’re broken up, it doesn’t make a difference now.” You know what I say to those people? Shut the fuck up! The point is that for the last five months of our relationship he was living a double life. The point is that he came over to my house begging me, trying to kiss me, and crying to my face about how he wanted me back. The point that I was going to make was that you won’t screw me over and get away with it, I got ya number. So I decided to let him come over my house since he had been begging for so long. Before he came over, I went to 7 Eleven and got the tallest cup of coffee I could buy. Then I took it home and put it in the microwave to get scorching hot. I put this miniature pepper spray can on my key chain(just in case he got crazy) and went outside to “pretend” like I was watering the flowers as he pulled up. He came up to my house with his face grinning from side to side. It tore me up inside because I was about to fuck his world up. He walked up to hug and kiss me on the cheek and that’s when the conversation started:

“I’m so happy to you bebeh!” Nathan said.

“I know, I’m happy to see you too.” I lied.

“You look good.”

“Thank you. Look, I just wanted to thank you for coming to see me at my cookout

Saturday. I knew it took balls since my family and friends were all there.” I said.

“Oh yeah! No problem! I wanted to see you! You deserved it! Nathan replied.

(The motherfucker was eating this shit up)

“I also want to thank you for being honest to me about what was up in my garage too.

I know you were going through some things and I just wanted to tell you that it meant a lot to me.” I said.

“Babe I’m always honest with you. I never stopped loving you.” He said.

Is this motherfucker serious???? Seriously, was he serious? That’s when I was done pussyfootin’ around. It was time to fuck his ass up!

“Speaking of honesty, who the fuck is Brittany L.?!”

That’s when that smile on Nathan’s face turned into a “Oh shit” look. I knew I had him, and I was going in on that ass.

“Um, Brittany is…ahhh… she’s a good friend. We started kickin’ it after you and I broke up.” He lied.

“You’re a motherfuckin’ liar, I found shit, other than Facebook that says otherwise. Damn Nathan, if

you were going to cheat, at least keep your bitch on leash! She put all your private affairs out

on the internet! The bitch isn’t even cute! She looks like a damn pit bull in the face!” I shouted.

Why is that when men cheat, it’s with a damn downgrade???? Do ugly bitches do shit that I don’t know about? Do they have 10 kt. princess cut diamonds in their “chuckies”? What is it? I was hella pissed. My neighbors were walking by looking at the angry black woman while the tatted up asian dickhead just sat at my door looking stupid. There were all types of “fucks” and “motherfuckers” being thrown about. I have never cussed so much in my life. Nathan would try to get a word in and I would just tell him to “shut the fuck up and listen for a god damn change”. You know this fucker had the nerve to tell me that when we used to argue and he was “fed up” with it he would ask for advice from his sisters and this pit bull heifer?!?! I’m like, why the hell would you ask your YOUNGER sisters (who by the way have little bastards running around everywhere, barely graduated high school, and don’t know what to do with their lives) and a bitch who doesn’t even know me for advice on OUR relationship.? What type of peanut butter and jelly bullshit is that???  That doesn’t sound like a man taking care of his at all. If anyone was fed up, it should have been me. Silly me for trying to let a man be a man and give him space when he was mad. Silly me for being open to talk when HE was ready. Just when I had finished cussing his ass out I told him to get the fuck off of my property and out of my fuckin’ life. I honestly was going to let him go, but he kept on pushin. I tried to get in my house and he was trying to follow me in. I don’t play that shit, when you’re on The District Chick’s bad side you’re stuck. That’s when I pushed him out of my house and threw that hot coffee in his face. God! I wish I had a camera, it was golden! It was all on his head, neck and back. It was hot as hell that day too! I ended with a “Stay the fuck outta my life,” and slammed the door for dramatic effect.

   You know this guy called me 15 times after he left my house? When I finally had gotten off the phone with my people to let them know I was all good I decided to answer one of his calls. Here’s what he said:

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! Are you crazy?!”

“No, I just had a breakthrough. If you had a coffee thrown on you, you did

something to deserve it.” I replied.

Nathan continued the conversation with lies about how he didn’t cheat, he can’t control what people put out there, he still loved me, and he was going to do everything in his power to try to call me and see me. I wasn’t having that shit. I made my point. I didn’t want anything else to do with Nathan. As far as I was concerned, I told him, he was dead to me, he never existed. I didn’t wish him well with his future endeavors because I don’t give a damn if he does well or not. He then switched up his story and told me that the heifer he was coupled up with didn’t have half the qualities I had. I told him, duh! The District Chick was his 80 and she was his 20. Like the Drake song, I was the “Best He Ever Had.” Didn’t get any better than me. I was done, I hung up the phone and erased him out of my life completely. I was hurt. I’m not going to lie. But I learned some valuable lessons. When I have an intuition, I should acknowledge it. Abuse isn’t just physical, it’s verbal and emotional too. I will never change or forget who I am for someone else ever again. I was strong and independent before him and I’ll be the same way with out him. Lastly, you can never get over on The District Chick, because she will find out. And when she does, your ass is hers.