Oh, You Thought You Were Going To Get Some…. Wrong!

   

      So now that Jo was out of the picture I needed to occupy my time. Enter Stan. Stan was someone I used to date about 3-4 years ago and it just so happened we got in contact with each other again. I know right, what’s up with all this recycled dick? I don’t know, I guess I’d rather start off with someone I’ve already been with then start fresh but the story gets better. Let me give you a brief synopsis about Stan. He’s about 29 (I tend to like my men older than me, nothing older than 31 though), owns a couple of properties in MD, has a great career, no kids, and very active. I mean he’s your skydiving, snowboarding, grab a couple of drinks if the place looks pretty cool, mountain bike riding, camping kind of guy. I mean I’ll snowboard and have a drink or to or five, but all that other shit…..I don’t know. Anyway, Stan invited me out to his place in Baltimore (yes, the third world city known as Baltimore) for some bar hopping and maybe some food. Again, if people know me, they know that free is my favorite word and I’m there. We decided to meet up at his place and I must say, it wasn’t bad. He lives in Federal Hill and the place was great. I mean, I personally wouldn’t live there because it’s too close to people but the granite counter tops, hardwood floors, exposed brick walls, and the rooftop bar that him and his mates hooked up made the space spectacular. We were in his kitchen, him with his beers and him popping me bottles of champagne (my favorite) and just talking about what’s been going on. Funny story, while I was dating him, my bestie Daniella was dating his older brother. I graduated from his alma mater and Daniella graduated from his brother’s. Creepy, I know.

    I’m not stupid and I’m pretty up on my game. Stan kept on filling my glass up with champagne because he was deliberately trying to get me drunk but I know my shit. I come from a long line of drinkers, and in the process of trying to get me drunk, he got himself drunk….light weight. We made our way to the rooftop to look at the Baltimore skyline but quickly retired back to his room because it was so damn hot outside. Inside is where Stan tried to put on his “A-game” that I was clearly on to. Right when he pulled me close to him and I could smell the New Castle on his breath so I pulled the period card. Hell yeah I did! Yeah it was shitty but he wasn’t going to go down and check. Serves him right anyway, this was my first time seeing him in about 3 1/2 years and he thinks I was gonna give it up like that? No buddy, you got to work for it if you want this chocolate goodness. So after I pulled out the “red” card he goes “Soooooo we can do something else.” LoL, this fool is funny. I don’t know where you’ve been, so if by “something” you’re implying that I give you some favors your ass is not only living in Baltimore but you are smoking that Baltimore crack pipe as well. I kissed him on the cheek and told him it’s been real but I have to go. Stan wanted me to stay and sleep over and even though his body was bangin’ his game was lacking so I just called in a rain check. I think he’s a fun guy but he needs to come correct. When I was dating him before I was clearly younger and stupid so I fell for all his shit, now that I have my own protocol, he’s got shit to worry about.

     I’m glad I made the decision to go home. That night I had some food that didn’t sit well with my stomach mixed with the champagne and I was paying for it all night long into the wee hours of the morning. Have you ever been so sick you didn’t know whether to shit or yack first? That was my night, now imagine if I had stayed over Stan’s place with that same feeling. He wouldn’t have wanted to have anything to do with me if he had heard me in the bathroom. Anywho, Stan thought he was going to get some that night and it turned out to be a negative. Am I going to write him off completely. I don’t know, maybe but maybe not. I’m trying to keep my life occupied but we know the most important thing for me is my book. So if he can’t understand that, he can get it in with one of his roommates because this chick is putting herself in forefront first.

2010
07/28
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Me…Jo…And A Bed…. Equals Boooorrriiinngggg

       

            As anyone knows whose been reading my blogs, I have a rebound booty that I call ever so often when I need to get my fix. Now like stated before, I knew there was going to come a time when things were going to get old, this is that time.    Around the 4th of July I went back to my home state of North Carolina for some QT with the family. Perfect timing too because my lady friend was paying a visit and I like to add that to my mystery file when I’m dealing with my men folk. Anywho, back and forth me and Jo were texting each other about how we couldn’t wait until I made it back up the way and we could have some more romp sessions. I was on the monthly but I was still pretty horny. After a couple of days of tobacco and cotton fields, visiting EVERY family member we could possibly think of, and drinking hella moonshine to my heart’s content it was time to go back to my reality. I’m a born Southern girl but let’s face it, the city took over my body a long time ago and I’m not turning back.

      Back in MD, and my friend long gone now, it was time to get it in with my butt buddy Jo. Everyone should know the routine by now. I go over to his house, because I have no privacy at mine right now, and we do it how they do on the discovery channel. Only this time I’m pretty sure will be my last time doing the do with Jo. Nothing against the guy, great conversation, hella sexy Latino but that’s where it stops. I knew going into this little relationship that we have that it was not going to be long-term, and that I was okay with, I wasn’t okay with falling into a same old routine that felt more like a lazy ass relationship. I just got out of a shitty one and let’s face it, the only thing that me and Jo have good going on between us was sex. Let me paint the picture for you:

   I get to his house and we do our tit for tat. He shows me the new 370z anniversery edition that he bought, asks me about my trip, I ask him about his summer classes and work, we go downstairs and watch a little TV, then he grabs my butt or some area close to there, we start kissing and move to the bedroom. Same old shit. Hell I tried spicing it up but last time I did I damn near burnt the dude’s nipple off. And the sex was kinda of mediocre. I mean homie got his before I got mine! What type of peanut butter and jelly bullshit is that? I mean we were getting into it, hot bodies, I’m looking at myself in the mirror because I know I’m doing my thang, then this dude gets the shakes and falls out on top of me! Excuse me, what? My vajayjay is freshly waxed, I’m wearing the GOOD underwear (you know the set that actually match), I’m wearing my Chanel Allure, my short fro is fresh and looking extra curly, and my skin is softened with the purest and finest raw shea butter and this fucker thinks he did something?! Come on! Then we kind of doze off and I wake up like “What the hell am I doing?” This guy is curled up underneath me like we’re together and this is what we are supposed to do after sex. Wrong, couples do that after sex, I’m just a squrriel trying to get a nut and a barely got that. I got up to get myself together and go home while he awoke with a “Are you leaving?” Hell yeah I was leaving! That moment right there solidified that I was done. Jo is a cool guy, don’t get me wrong, but it’s time for me to catch the new train. I started this summer off as sort of the rebirth for The District Chick. I planned to love em all and leave em but I was stuck with this one guy and it was killing me. In the beginning it was good but I think I want something more. I don’t know what the hell it is but I want something more. I still heart him to death but I need to be more focused about my shit. I’m writing a book and even though Jo has given me plenty to write about for my blogs I need to bring it back to the more important matter: ME. It was great while it lasted but I’d rather have cobwebs on my cooch with a Oprah’s Book Club winner and New York Time’s Best Seller than sitting around playing make-believe relationship with a guy that clearly doesn’t give a damn about me and likewise I feel the same. I’m searching for something, I don’t what it is yet but when I find it, you all will be the first to know.

2010
07/28
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Birthday Bullshit……

        I know my birthday was last month but bare with me, so much has gone on and I promise not to leave anyone in suspense anymore. So anywho, I’m a June baby and I wasn’t going to make a big deal about my day but my former “friend” had other plans. See our birthdays are a day apart and she wanted to combine days. Now I just wanted to stay at home, maybe get some birthday sex from Jo, but I said what the hell, my two cousins are coming up from N.C. that same weekend so let’s get it in. My ex friend, Jaime, dates my older cousin who is more like a big brother to me. They met two years ago when I brought her down South to a family function, fell “in love”, got that fucker to move from Atlanta to VA and the rest was historic bliss…..or so he thought until he found out the heifer had some screws loose. Don’t judge me, if I had known she would have switched up and started acting like crazy ass Ali Lauter from Obsessed when she got a man, I would have told my cousin to pump his brakes…..but I digress. Jaime has this issue where shit is never good enough. She cares what people think, she compares herself to other people, and she’s just a damn downer. I’m started to question how the hell we even got to be friends. She wanted to go eat at The Hudson on M Street in D.C. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my city, I love quality food and great atmosphere but I’m also from N.C. too. Jaime has champagne taste on a beer budget. The Hudson is lovely but I know good chicken and mashed potatoes, and for $20 I can make that shit myself. Do I have money? Of course I do, but I only feel it’s necessary to spend it on important things, like that sequin dress in French Connection in Jersey for $198 (tax-free baby). I’m thinking, all her friends are broke, why the hell would she want to have dinner at a place like this? So I suggested going to Ping Pong Dim Sum because let’s face it, she just wanted to go to The Hudson to take pictures and put them on her Facebook page like she had money anyway.  Ping Pong has the same chic atmosphere with a minimal price tag. You’d think she would want to go but she threw a bitchfit so we let her have her way. Since we all knew that the actual Birthday party was going to be shitty, my older cousin, his older brother, and our youngest cousin went out bar hopping in Adam’s Morgan the night before (you want cheap drinks in D.C., go to Adam’s Morgan). We had the best time.  Our youngest cousin, Blu, is a Marine with a “I don’t have anything to lose because I’ve been deployed 2xs and they’re sending my ass back again” attitude so you could just imagine how my night went. I spent my night, the only chick, with a bunch of dicks but it was family and it was great. The next day, was a totally different story.

    I knew it was going to hell when I was stuck in traffic on 95 on a Saturday. Halfway down, my cousin, Julio texted and said that the monster was coming out and I might not want to make it down. I’m like “fuck that,” I’m already stuck halfway down the highway in traffic, my ass is going somewhere. Finally, as I got into Virginia I got out the car to see my two cousins Julio and Noon coming outside with these shitty looks on their faces. Soon after Jamie and her best friend that no one likes followed out like I was ready to go. I’m standing in my sweats with no make up and she thinks I’m taking my ass to The Hudson. So strike number one, I had to rush myself and get ready and stuff myself in the back seat with Noon and Jaime’s friend Lynn…ugh. On the way into the city, Jaime was driving reckless as usual, my cousin Julio looked like he was at his wit’s end, my cousin Noon just wanted to get drunk, and Lynn was talking about shit that no one cared about. The only one who had some sense not to come was our youngest cousin Blu, he had to play family man and spend some QT time with his wife and child. As we’re riding I realized I forgot my damn license and Jaime with her snarky ass attitude says “Midway through our food, Julio and you can go back home so you can get your car and go home and get your license.” Now, if I live 40 min outside of D.C. why the hell would I have my cousin take me back to Virginia to get my car, drive past D.C. and go home to get my license, then go into D.C. and then go back to Virginia and sleep at their place? Is this bitch stuck on stupid? Me and Julio looked at each other and just read each others faces. As we arrived at the restaurant me and Noon set at one end of the table while Jamie and Julio set at the other end and her friends started arriving later and filling up the middle. Even without my license Noon and I downed two pitchers of this white peach infused sangria or whatever the hell it was. At the end, the tension was building between my other cousin and my “friend”. She was just being bitchy that things weren’t going her way and taking it out on him, for someone to be turning 28 like her, she needs to cut out the teenage bullshit.

                After I had finished my last drink me and Julio made our way to my house to get my I.D. card. We had a nice chat, not bashing Jamie because I don’t get down like that. Everything I’ve said about her in this blog I’ve said to her face. We get my stuff, then go to a gas station, fill her gas tank up because we took her car and he bought her chain-smoking ass a pack of cigarettes. We were literally back in the city in no time and met up with everyone at Ozio. If you like the urban atmosphere I prefer this place better than LOVE (eww), Lux Lounge (double eww) and Ibiza (yeah that shit is urban now too).  We get in and Jamie starts playing her part again. You know those chicks that pretend to be drunker than they really are when you know they’ve literally just took a sip of a drink? Well homegirl should have gotten an Academy Award for Best Actress because this chick was showing her ass. She was stumbling, she was cursing, she was turning red, she was slurring her words, her friends were falling for the bullshit, and then she snapped on my family! Julio was trying to be a concerned boyfriend and voice his concern, “What’s wrong babe?” Then this chick got cuckoo, “I’M FUCKING READY TO GO! ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING JULIO?! I’M FUCKING DRUNK. I WANT TO GO FUCKING HOME!” I have never in my life wanted to put my hands on someone as much as that night, and it was my birthday! Noon literally had to sit on me to block me from whoopin’ her ass and then in the next breath she goes “I’m fine, we can all stay,” and then starts laughing. Julio leaves the situation, me and Noon get our drinks and leave the situation, and Jamie is there with her crazy ass friends. For the next hour we avoided each other like the plague and then ended up outside. I was talking to a gentleman from the club, Julio was outside blowing off steam and Jamie came out like nothing was wrong, and then the rest followed bringing the night to an end. As we were leaving I knew it was going to be over. My cousin is 31 and ready to settle down. He has no time for bullshit and that right there was some bullshit. The drive back to the house was long and you could feel the tension. Again, I’m in the backseat with Noon and Lynn’s crazy ass with her running her mouth about how she can’t wait to get into the guest bed when we all get back to Virginia. Now I let Jamie’s ass slide but this chick was going to get it:

“Um you’re not sleeping in the guest room. My cousin drove all the way here from N.C. He’s sleeping in the guest room.” I said

“Well someone’s sleeping there.”

“I know ho, he is. This dude is 6’5, his big ass is not sleeping on the couch.

That shit isn’t even right and you know it.” I replied

Lynn spent the rest of the night shutting the hell up and left the house when we got there. Good, the heifer needs to be home with her son anyway. The next morning, I got up and made my way back home to M.D., Noon got up and went back to N.C., and Julio was up and ready to regulate. Later that day he hit me up and let me know it was over between them, he couldn’t even wait until after her birthday for the break-up, it was that bad. So next step is that me and him are moving in with each other. The circumstances suck because I’ve lost a friend but the outcome is due to Jaime and her actions. I said in the beginning of their relationship that I wasn’t in it. I wasn’t going to change so I didn’t expect them to change and stop being my family and my friend. When she became the girlfriend she stopped treating me like a friend and started treating me like Julio’s cousin. Am I still a little pissed how things turned out, yes but as a grown up you live and you learn. My lesson is that my friends are no longer allowed to date my family and that’s how I plan to keep it. I’m cock-blocking for family now, and I’m on my job 24/7.

 

2010
07/28
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Friendship
Nightclubbing/partying
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Me…….Jo……A Shower…..Ooops Candles????

   

 

 I was back from my Philly/Atlantic City trip and ready to see Jo. Only problem was, my mind and everything else was good to go but my body was saying “No Bitch, you have to wait about 5 days before you can get it on this month.” It’s a hell of thing when you got a guy who  can lay the pipe calling you up and you have to lie and make up shit about you being busy when really it’s just that time of the month. Oh well, it made me seem less available and made the sex even better. Back in Philly, me and Daniella went to Condom Palace on South street just for kicks but ended up buying some “things” to use between the sheets. She bought some funny knickknacks but I wanted to do something sexy. I got this box of candles with a blindfold because I thought I’d do some sexy shit like in the movies. That’s right, I was going to burn his ass up like Nathan, but in a good way this time.

    Later in the week, when my “friend” was gone and my “chuckie” had been freshly touched up I made my way down to Jo’s house for some food, relaxation, and of course what else?! I pulled up with him in the driveway washing his car and just looking so damn sexy! Why does he do this shit? I always have to encounter him when he’s doing some sexy thing…. last time he answered the door with a towel, the time before he was stretched out on the couch without a shirt and that sexy bed head, now he’s outside washing a car?! Those Latinos I tell ya. Anywho, we were outside for a bit talking, with sex on my brain, and him putting the finishing touches on his car. He asked if he I wanted him to do mine but I politely declined, he was cutting in to my booty time. After he put away the car cleaner and parked his car we went inside and made our way downstairs. Again, and we do this often, we chatted up (bullshitin’) and then he broke up the conversation with this:

“Hey I feel kinda funky, you mind if I jump in shower real quick?”

I replied, “No problem, I’ll be here.”

“Cool, I’ll leave the door open….” He hinted.

What he say? After that he went into the bathroom and I heard the shower come on. Was Jo testing my gangster? I was caught off guard so I can’t lie, I was a little nervous. So I immediately called my butt buddy Daniella to see what I should do:

“Hey ho, what’s up?” She asked.

“Bitch, he just jumped in the shower so I gotta talk fast. Would it be

too much to jump in after him, am I coming off to forward? Am I over-analyzing

shit? Why the fuck am I trippin’ right now?” I rambled.

“Bitch shut up and do it! You know you want to!” Dani said.

“You right girl, operation get that dick!” I laughed

“Get it girl, call me later! I want details!” She ended.

Okay, the chick is back now. I grew some balls and went H.A.M. in the bathroom. I knocked on the door, Jo peeped his head out and smiled, “Glad you wanted to join me.” I smiled back and hopped my happy ass in the shower. God! The way the water just ran down his body just looked like my own personal painting. Jo keeps his body fit. He plays soccer and among other things just stays fit.  He looked at me and I looked at him, we were kissing, his body was pressed up against mine and I could just feel him getting harder by the moment. Our shower scene was better than the movies! It was the most enjoyable time I’ve ever had in water too because in the past I was worried about my hair…not this time though. This moment was mine and I was going to rock it better than I had ever rocked it before. We were doing acrobatic shit in the shower and didn’t lose our footing once! My legs wrapped around him, next he has me pressed against the wall with the water running on top of our heads, then the next angle I’m bent over and we’re going at it like the those animals you see on Animal Planet. I swear I should have had a camera propped up somewhere in the bathroom, I was so good I don’t even believe this shit, and I was actually there!  After the shower we made our way to his room, I was still in a towel, he ran upstairs to put some clothes in the dryer. I reached for my purse to get the stuff I bought from Condom Palace. Told you I was going to be a showstopper. Jo returned with his boxers on. He goes, “Let’s watch the game for a bit.” I’m like “Hell no, I’m not done yet.” Jo looks at me and without hesitation takes his boxers back off and lies on the bed. I respond, “Put on this blindfold.” He got really excited when I said that. Jo bit his bottom lip and then followed my orders. That’s right, when I say jump, you ask how high. He laid there, dick high in the air, waiting for my surprise. Then I took out a box of matches and struck one. Jo heard and was like “What was that?” I laughed it off and “Nothing.” With the match I lit one of the candles and let the wick burn so I could get some of the melted wax. I leaned over to kiss Jo on the lips, then dripped some of the wax on his shoulders. As soon as that wax hit Jo’s body he jumped up and screamed. I thought he was playing so I dropped some on his chest. He yelled again.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Babe, I thought you had some body paint, or handcuffs, or butt plugs or something.”

“Are you serious? The candle is a no go?” I said.

“Babe, I’m sorry to go out like a punk but that shit hurts.”

    Just like that, my candle fantasy was killed. I thought I was killing it, instead I was giving  Jo 1st degree burns. That didn’t kill the mood though. Jo grabbed my legs and pulled me to the edge of the bed and we fucked like we were back in High School after the school won the championship football game. We at least missed the first half of the basketball game. And that’s saying a lot coming from me. Once the game was over, Jo looked at me, and I looked at Jo and what do we do? More fuckin’. By the time we got done, all you could see was our imprints in the floor from our bodies. We laid together, in a pool full a sweat. I need to cancel my gym membership. I burn more calories with Jo then I do at the gym. That night was simple and to the point. It’s something that I needed just to get me by during the week.

     Some people may say that there’s more that I want from Jo than just sex. And I do get more. He’s someone I can talk to and joke with. No doubt that Jo is a great guy but it’s just the way Jo feels between my legs, I’m not catching feelings though.  I like Jo, he’s fun, he’s sexy and I’m comfortable around him. Like I said before, this time around I know where his head is. No doubt, I need a change of scenery because I will get bored. But for right now, Jo is keeping my mind off the past and on his ass. I’m not going to completely rule him out of my life as potentially being something more later down the line in years to come but for right now, sex is on my brain. I said it once and I’ll say it again, I don’t think I’m sloring it up, men have their cake and they eat it too, it’s about time we started eating the whole damn bakery.

2010
06/16
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It All Started w/ A Philly Cheesesteak…….

  

 After throwing hot coffee on Nathan’s ass I decided to take a little trip and get out of the D.M.V. Before I did though, I had to get me a little somethin’ before I left. My sis Daniella says I’m bitchy when I don’t get some “lovin” and she wasn’t spending all weekend at a hotel with me if I didn’t get my fix. So I called up Jo (of course) for some one on one and then gladly skedaddled on my way to the city of “Brotherly Love.” What made me and Daniella decide to go there when we have good friends in New York, Miami, Vegas, and Atlanta? We went to Philly because we were watching “Man vs. Food” and the inner fat children in us wanted a damn cheese steak.  Preferably from “Jim’s Steaks.” It’s about an hour and a half drive but I gotta tell you when it comes to traveling with Daniella….. I hate that bitch! She always falls asleep. Remember when Oprah and Gale went on a road trip a couple of years back??? Gayle is the party one and Oprah was the funsucking one….. Daniella is Oprah and I’m Gayle. One time we were coming back from Ibiza about 2 years ago and the heifer had the nerve to ask me if I could turn the music down so she could sleep!! I’m like “No bitch!!! Either you stay up and talk to me or I listen to music….. we both can’t fall asleep, or we’ll die!” I love her to death but we keep road trips to minimum between us. If it’s not a plane or train don’t count on holding a conversation with her, that bitch will be passed out 10 min into the trip.

   After about an hour and forty-five minutes we arrived in Jersey. Daniella has this weird ass way of waking up right when you get to a destination. That shit is just plain weird. Being observant of the people as we stepped out to move out bags into the hotel she goes “Wtf??? Are we in Jersey?” She must have noticed the white people who were so damn tan they were darker than us. Anywho, we checked in, got situated and then made our way into Philly for a cheese steak. To save the best for last, we decided to go to S.O.S. (Steaks On South Street) instead of Jim’s steaks. It was hella good. Plenty of meat, all that gooey cheese, onions that’ll make you tear up……. good shit. The first day was strictly chill, the next day would be made for partying.

    We woke up the next day to do what we always do….go shopping. Daniella and I decided to go to the local mall that was located near Mount Laurel, New Jersey. Just  picked up the basics…some “fuck me” pumps and two killer dresses at French Connection. Our intentions were to go out to the Bleu Martini on Market St. but those plans quickly changed on our way back to the hotel. We saw a sign for Atlantic City and said “fuck it” we’re here, let’s just do the damn thing. We linked up with this chick at the front desk whose friend worked at the Borgata who got us into Mixx and MurMur. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, the hotel was nice, the club was hot, but there were too many damn females up in there! I mean not only that, they were some old bitches. I need to be the focal point of shit. The main attraction, regardless of us getting V.I.P. treatment, we opted to spend our time in the casino with me looking for a sponsor…..I’m down for being an old dudes young pet….. just don’t touch me.

   We spent the remainder of the night club hopping and ended it all at the Taj Mahal. Can someone please tell me what hell is wrong with the Taj Mahal?It’s old as hell, too many old people, and the bouncers up in there think they were running shit. Oh, and the female dancers…….wowzers, I’ve seen strippers in Baltimore that look better….and that says a lot. I mean I’m not perfect but I’m damn near close….if your stomach goes over your bikini bottom, you don’t need to be on stage performing. The Taj Mahal was our que to end the night and make our way back to the hotel.

    The last day was finally the day we would eat at Jim’s Steak. We got up early because as we saw on Man vs. Food, if you don’t get there before noon there’s a line two blocks away of people just waiting to get a cheese steak. How was it? Let me tell you that was a crock of shit. Firstly, they don’t tell you that it’s cash only until you get up to the register, it was so damn hot in there you could’ve change my name to Kunte Kinte, they were stingy as hell with the meet and cheese, and it didn’t look that clean to me. It was a waste of $8 dollars and I want my god damned money back! Yeah I said it!

   All in all, the trip was fun because I spent it with my sister but let’s be real, there’s no place like my city in the District. I’d gladly trade in Jim’s Steak for Ben’s Chilli Bowl. I was walking on Philly’s South St. and thinking about Connecticut and K Street. Philly and Atlantic City nightlife is alright but they aren’t killing it like people in the District are! I’m glad to be back, plus I need to call up Jo anyway…….I’m trying to scream like a grown woman ought too…. :-)~

2010
06/10
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I Threw Hot Coffee On His Ass

    Don’t believe everything that Tyler Perry says or does in his movies. Real Southern women wouldn’t dare waste grits on a man.   That’s good breakfast food! Don’t get me wrong, we will burn your ass up but we have other ways to do that. I learned my methods of getting my point across from my mother. A Geechee woman from South Carolina, she knows how to make a man listen and behave. Now if I had followed my mother to a tee I would’ve crushed up a sleeping pill, put it in Nathan’s drink, heat up some grease, and as Nathan fell asleep, poured that hot grease on his dick. Good idea but no way to explain that in the court of law. That has intent and malice written all over it. Instead I had a better idea.

    The day after I found out all of that bullshit I knew I was going to fix Nathan’s ass up real good. A lot of people would probably ask the question, “Why are you so mad? You’re broken up, it doesn’t make a difference now.” You know what I say to those people? Shut the fuck up! The point is that for the last five months of our relationship he was living a double life. The point is that he came over to my house begging me, trying to kiss me, and crying to my face about how he wanted me back. The point that I was going to make was that you won’t screw me over and get away with it, I got ya number. So I decided to let him come over my house since he had been begging for so long. Before he came over, I went to 7 Eleven and got the tallest cup of coffee I could buy. Then I took it home and put it in the microwave to get scorching hot. I put this miniature pepper spray can on my key chain(just in case he got crazy) and went outside to “pretend” like I was watering the flowers as he pulled up. He came up to my house with his face grinning from side to side. It tore me up inside because I was about to fuck his world up. He walked up to hug and kiss me on the cheek and that’s when the conversation started:

“I’m so happy to you bebeh!” Nathan said.

“I know, I’m happy to see you too.” I lied.

“You look good.”

“Thank you. Look, I just wanted to thank you for coming to see me at my cookout

Saturday. I knew it took balls since my family and friends were all there.” I said.

“Oh yeah! No problem! I wanted to see you! You deserved it! Nathan replied.

(The motherfucker was eating this shit up)

“I also want to thank you for being honest to me about what was up in my garage too.

I know you were going through some things and I just wanted to tell you that it meant a lot to me.” I said.

“Babe I’m always honest with you. I never stopped loving you.” He said.

Is this motherfucker serious???? Seriously, was he serious? That’s when I was done pussyfootin’ around. It was time to fuck his ass up!

“Speaking of honesty, who the fuck is Brittany L.?!”

That’s when that smile on Nathan’s face turned into a “Oh shit” look. I knew I had him, and I was going in on that ass.

“Um, Brittany is…ahhh… she’s a good friend. We started kickin’ it after you and I broke up.” He lied.

“You’re a motherfuckin’ liar, I found shit, other than Facebook that says otherwise. Damn Nathan, if

you were going to cheat, at least keep your bitch on leash! She put all your private affairs out

on the internet! The bitch isn’t even cute! She looks like a damn pit bull in the face!” I shouted.

Why is that when men cheat, it’s with a damn downgrade???? Do ugly bitches do shit that I don’t know about? Do they have 10 kt. princess cut diamonds in their “chuckies”? What is it? I was hella pissed. My neighbors were walking by looking at the angry black woman while the tatted up asian dickhead just sat at my door looking stupid. There were all types of “fucks” and “motherfuckers” being thrown about. I have never cussed so much in my life. Nathan would try to get a word in and I would just tell him to “shut the fuck up and listen for a god damn change”. You know this fucker had the nerve to tell me that when we used to argue and he was “fed up” with it he would ask for advice from his sisters and this pit bull heifer?!?! I’m like, why the hell would you ask your YOUNGER sisters (who by the way have little bastards running around everywhere, barely graduated high school, and don’t know what to do with their lives) and a bitch who doesn’t even know me for advice on OUR relationship.? What type of peanut butter and jelly bullshit is that???  That doesn’t sound like a man taking care of his at all. If anyone was fed up, it should have been me. Silly me for trying to let a man be a man and give him space when he was mad. Silly me for being open to talk when HE was ready. Just when I had finished cussing his ass out I told him to get the fuck off of my property and out of my fuckin’ life. I honestly was going to let him go, but he kept on pushin. I tried to get in my house and he was trying to follow me in. I don’t play that shit, when you’re on The District Chick’s bad side you’re stuck. That’s when I pushed him out of my house and threw that hot coffee in his face. God! I wish I had a camera, it was golden! It was all on his head, neck and back. It was hot as hell that day too! I ended with a “Stay the fuck outta my life,” and slammed the door for dramatic effect.

   You know this guy called me 15 times after he left my house? When I finally had gotten off the phone with my people to let them know I was all good I decided to answer one of his calls. Here’s what he said:

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! Are you crazy?!”

“No, I just had a breakthrough. If you had a coffee thrown on you, you did

something to deserve it.” I replied.

Nathan continued the conversation with lies about how he didn’t cheat, he can’t control what people put out there, he still loved me, and he was going to do everything in his power to try to call me and see me. I wasn’t having that shit. I made my point. I didn’t want anything else to do with Nathan. As far as I was concerned, I told him, he was dead to me, he never existed. I didn’t wish him well with his future endeavors because I don’t give a damn if he does well or not. He then switched up his story and told me that the heifer he was coupled up with didn’t have half the qualities I had. I told him, duh! The District Chick was his 80 and she was his 20. Like the Drake song, I was the “Best He Ever Had.” Didn’t get any better than me. I was done, I hung up the phone and erased him out of my life completely. I was hurt. I’m not going to lie. But I learned some valuable lessons. When I have an intuition, I should acknowledge it. Abuse isn’t just physical, it’s verbal and emotional too. I will never change or forget who I am for someone else ever again. I was strong and independent before him and I’ll be the same way with out him. Lastly, you can never get over on The District Chick, because she will find out. And when she does, your ass is hers.

2010
06/08
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Nathan. . . The Facebook/Twitter Cheater

The day after my graduation cookout I did the only thing that would get my mind off of festivities that happened the day before. I had hot, steamy, dirty, sweaty sex with Jo. When I have a million things running through my mind and I can’t function right, sex is the best medicine. I don’t bother telling him what’s happening in my life because Jo isn’t there for that, with Jo I can get my rocks off and think about my troubles later. The next day, that’s when the calls started coming. Nathan called literally five times. I don’t really like talking on the phone. It was cool in high school but the only reason I’m really on the phone is to either make plans or find out where one of my friends are. That’s it. Nathan was calling like we were back in a relationship. Here’s a little of the shit he was spewing:

  • Babe, I still love you
  • Babe, I’m so happy I got to see you
  • I know it’s going to take some time but I just really love you
  • When are you going on vacation? Can I come?
  • Can I see you before you go on vacation?
  • I’m feenin’ for you right now
  • I just want to kiss you so bad
  • I love you
  • Do you love me?
  • God, I just miss you so much, you drive me nuts!
  • Hold on, I’ll call you back, I have to take this call. You better pick up!

You would have thought that I would be happy that Nathan was acting like this but I wasn’t. Deep down, I had unanswered questions that needed to be answered. So I did what any young women this day and age would do, I went on Facebook. Right after I had broken up with Nathan at the beginning of May I deleted anything that reminded me of him, that included his page. I went on under Daniella’s page since she had gotten back on FB after taking it off to focus on her studies. I just wanted to see Nathan’s page to see if he had updated his status to some smart ass remark the day after we had broken up. I found much more than I had anticipated though. Nathan did leave a status about “Running em’ hard” but I noticed some back and forth between him and another chick. Now, we’re not together but don’t be up in my face and calling me up when you’re living a double on FB. The messages between them were beyond flirting. They were “fucking messages.” We all know the difference between flirting and fucking and these messages back and forth were the “Oh, we’re fucking” kind. So I began to do a little more research. Yeah I did it! I found out where the girl lived, where she graduated from college, what sports she played and found her twitter account. Yeah, when I want to find out some shit I channel my inner CIA and FBI agent. The chick wasn’t even private either. I found statuses that dated all the way back from November about her love for Nathan. I found twit pics of them together while me and Nathan were still together. I saw pics of her over his house cooking and him kissing her neck and back. It really pissed me off. There’s nothing worse than being lied to, and even more, he had been cheating the last 5 months of our relationship! I read posts of her watching him train at his gym because he wants to be the next MMA superstar. I read posts from her about letting me go and she admires that he puts other people ahead of his own feelings. Who the hell was she seeing? The guy I was seeing was a selfish dick. The shit wasn’t fair! 3 weeks ago I felt guilty for allowing myself to kiss someone other than my boyfriend (at the time) and here this motherfucker was doubledippin’!!!!! Now I think it’s tacky to go after some chick but she knew about me. Even though she did know about me, this wasn’t about her, it was about me and Nathan. Oh, I was going to fix his ass up real good too ……..You wanna call me up with all that bullshit??? You wanna lie to my face??? You wanna cry in front of me to take you back??? You wanna bring me some bullshit ass flowers, me and my mother?!?!? Oh I’m going to get the last word, cause there’s nothing worse than a mad black woman and he was going to get his……

2010
06/08
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It’s My Party….And I Wasn’t The One Crying

 

 

The day after my graduation was cookout time. I don’t know about ya’ll but when us southern folk celebrate, we like a lot of food around us. My dad, we like to call him Mad Dog, was outside puttin’ the works on hamburgers with onions and peppers chopped and mixed in them, jerk kabobs, jerk chicken, barbeque chicken, ribs, dirty rice, potato salad, and other goodies. Not trying to sound bias but it don’t get any better than Carolina Barbeque! Anywho, I love celebrations. And celebrations about me are even better! All my people were in the house. My closest friends. My family (the ones that I can stand), neighbors I get along with, everyone came out for my achievements. As I was chatting it up with my sis Daniella my phone started to vibrate, I excused myself outside so I can hear the person on the other end:

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Nathan”

“Oh hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing. Look I know you’re having your cookout and everything, I just wanted

to call and ask if I could take you out for a dinner sometime?”

(Didn’t we just have this conversation yesterday???)

“Sure, but I have to get back to my guests, so I guess we’ll talk later.”

“Yeah, I know, Brandon told me he was over there.”

“Yeah, well I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay.Bye.”

“Bye.”

Daniella looked at me like “Put the that boy out of his misery and invite him over.” I thinking like do I even want to? Everything over here is good, do I want to live an episode of the “Bold and the Beautiful” today? I call him back anyway.

“Hey Nathan.”

“Hey what’s good?”

“Look, all of your friends are here (that’s right! we break up, I GET THE FRIENDS!)

and there’s plenty of food. Why don’t you come over?”

“Yeah, I think I can stop by. I’ll see you.”

“Alright, bye.”

A couple of hours had passed after that. I was outside with my gay boyfriends when i see a car pull up. I go inside and sit next to my cousin. I tell him to go outside with my mom because I knew who it was. It was Nathan, and if anyone knows my mom, they know that she doesn’t hold her tongue for anything or anybody. As I try to make a dash up the stairs into the kitchen Nathan walks through the garage door with this huge bouquet of roses surrounded by lilies. It was gorgeous but I’m not like the average chick…I hate roses, he knows damn well my favorite flowers are tulips. Anywho, we try to make our way upstairs because even though I’ve been doing me for the past three weeks, we were together for a long time and the way we ended things were not on good terms. As we’re sitting at my table in the kitchen Daniella decided to come up. Soon after, her cousin followed,then his two best friends, and our friend J.B. Needless to say no one was getting the picture so me and Nathan had made our way into my garage. That’s when the excuses came:

“You look good.” Nathan said.

“Thank you. I know.” I replied.

“So what’s up?” He said nervously.

“What is up? I mean the way things ended was not good. You just

threw away a year and half?” I asked.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry. I just miss you so much. You know how  I am. I

was going through some stuff, ya know? I shouldn’t have taken it out on

you.” Nathan replied.

“Like what stuff? I was your girl. You know I loved you.”

“I know I was just going through the motions. I call back home, my dad has

been sick and out of work for a month and a half, I got family issues,

I’m tryin’ to look after my sister out here.” He says to me.

“I hear you Nathan but that still doesn’t explain how you treated me. Your

family always has something going on, so that’s something that’s not even

new to me. You didn’t think I would’ve understood?”

We stood still, he cried in front of me. I didn’t eat that shit up though.I hate saying grown ass men crying. Unless you’ve been shot or someone close has died, don’t be crying in front of me.  I honestly feel in my heart he was doing it for dramatic effect. It wasn’t sincere at all. All I’ve ever gotten from him were excuses. Nathan never takes fault for anything he’s said or done. In my heart I felt like there was more to the story than he was letting on. Was I going to find out? I didn’t know. What I did know is that Nathan wasn’t good for me. I missed some of the moments that we did share but majority of those moments together I was crying more than I was smiling. That’s not The District at all. I decided to end our conversation and hold it for a more appropriate time. It was my celebration day and I wasn’t trying to have a mood killer. Nathan was trying his hardest though to fit back into his old boyfriend role. He was trying to help clean up and where ever I would go he would follow. He tried to hold me in a corner and kiss me. I’m not the type of person to lead someone on so I was telling him we have a lot to talk about and I’m not trying to fall into this routine again. Nathan still didn’t get it. When we were together, he would argue and throw bitch fits all the time. On incidents where I should’ve been the one pissed he would take that from me and make it about him. Instead of apologizing and acknowledge wrong doings, he would try to kiss me and pretend like nothing happened. Nathan was doing the same shit now. I wasn’t having that either. We still had more to talk about. I needed closure…..little did I know that the shit was going to hit the fan two days after this encounter.

2010
06/08
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Graduation Day…. With Other Shit In Between

 

 

May 21st, I woke up at 7 in the morning……today I will be a college graduate

        It took a long ass time seeing how I spent most of my college career partying and switching majors. I didn’t buckle down until the last 2 years, but hey, I got it done. Funny thing is that when I woke up May 21, my mind wasn’t on getting a degree. My mind was on the fact that Nathan and I were broken up and I always thought he would be in the audience to witness my day. Oh well, then I thought about Jo and me and the hot sex that we’d been having and how I couldn’t wait to climb up his leg once again. Anywho, enough talking about all these guys, it was D-day and you all pretty much get the general clue on what would happen:

  • Get up, do my business, get in the car and leave earlier than the rest of my family to get in line
  • Get to my school, don’t know where the hell I’m going even though I’ve been there for about 3 years
  • Wait in a hot ass room, barely big enough for 300 ppl that I don’t even know even though I’ve been there for about 3 years
  • Walk out to the March and spot my parents, and my mother in particular, in the cut crying her eyeballs out
  • Walk up, get my degree
  • Walk out, take pics with the folks
  • Go out to lunch to a place MY MOTHER decided because God forbide I pick where I want to eat on my day
  • Go get waxed up with my best friend/sister Daniella
  • Go home and sleep because we’re going out into the city tonight!!!!

As I got home I was about to lay my head down until I decided to check my messages. I hate checking messages but I figured my Grandma or somebody in my family called to wish me well on my day. Wrong! Instead I got this message:

“Hey E. It’s me, Nathan. You’re probably at school

right now graduating. I just wanted to congratulate you

and say sorry about how things ended. Give me a call. I would

like to take you out or something for like a graduation dinner

or something. Okay. Peace”

Wtf? Is he fuckin’ with me? Three weeks had gone by and now he decides to do something decent? And Nathan did that shit on purpose too. Called me up when he knew I wasn’t going to answer the phone. It’s all good though. I called him back, just to say thank you. Nothing more, nothing less:

“Hello?”

“Hi.” I said.

“Hey what’s good? Congratulations.”

“Thank you, I didn’t expect to hear from you.” I said

“I know.” He responded.

(silence)

“Oooookay, well this isn’t awkward.” I said to break the silence.

He laughed. “I wanna take you out, you know, for like a dinner, I know we have stuff to talk about.”

“I’ll see. I’m going out tonight so I’ll let you know.”

“Where you going?” Nathan asked.

“Out.” I responded back.

“Well be safe.” He said back.

“I will.”

Is he trying to fuck with my brain??? Why is it when you’re doing so good, something or someone pops back into the equation just to remind you of how your life “used” to be?

    Later that night, me and Daniella stepped into town looking fresh and feeling good. We met up with my cousin and his girlfriend and homeboy at Modern before heading over to Conneticut Ave. After our drinks, we made our way over to Current Sushi Lounge for a good friends surprise birthday. (Sidebar, getting a Bahama Mama from that place is lethal, try at your own risk. I would recommend something from their sake collection.) I know it was his birthday, but it was still my day. Bottles were flowing, drinks were every which way, and all I could think about was that Nathan called me today. I mean I was having a great time with my friends, table service was lovely, and I was looking fantabulous but Nathan was on my mind. Not in the way that I was going to get back with him but you can’t just throw almost 2 years out the window and pretend like it never happened. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea though, I don’t want to reconcile, I just want closure. I appreciate the phone call and congratulations but I still had some unanswered questions that needed to be answered. Well, the next day will be my Graduation Cookout, get ready for a hell of a story on what happened with that………………

2010
06/06
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Me….Jo…..And A Bed

   
     Everybody knows what good sex feels like. Everybody knows what bad sex feels like. And everybody knows what it feels like to anticipate good sex when you’ve been having bad sex for a long time. After the “Sister Date” with Daniella I wanted some male attention pronto. I’m newly single, I hadn’t had sex in 2 months, and the last time I saw Jo I slipped up and said the safety word……. damnit! All I know is when I woke up that fateful Sunday morning I knew I was getting me some! Until I got that “feeling.” You know the “feeling” you get every 28 days. Not today, I’m begging and pleading with the Lord to give me this day to act like a total slut, I deserve it. The last time Jo and I got together I was so hot and bothered I don’t even think I could remember my name if you had asked me. I planned on seeing him over his place later and I was going to make him climb walls! I touched up my “chucky”(no signs of my “friend” yet, thank you Lord) a little so it wasn’t looking like wild kingdom, I put on matching underwear this time, my natural hair was looking extra good this day and I was smelling fresher than a newly bathed baby. Hours had passed and it was time for me to hop in my car and become a show stopper. I made my way down to I-95 with the thoughts of how tonight was going to play out. You can dream it, you can fantasize it, and you can plan it in you head but when it comes down to the deed, all that shit goes out the window.
     My heart was racing as I parked out front of his house. I checked the inside my pants to make sure no surprises…….I’m  good. I texted him to let him know I had arrived. Jo opened the door with nothing but a towel on and his body dripping wet. He answered ” I’ve been waiting for you.” God damn those sexy Latin eyes! I’d been waiting for him too. We went downstairs to the basement, as I sat down he went into his room to put on some boxers…… later they would be coming right off. We snuggled up together on the couch to watch the playoff games between Boston and Orlando. I don’t even watch basketball but I was just killing a little time in my head to figure out how I was going to break him off a little sumthin sumthin. Jo reached for my butt and asked “Why are your clothes still on?” As soon as he said that I knew it was showtime. It’s been a little while since I’ve made love to anyone since my ex, and I wasn’t going to make love tonight. Tonight I was going to fuck Jo like I was going to prison for 10 years and he was going to be my last male contact. I got up from the couch and led him into his bedroom. He dimmed the lights as I took off my clothes and laid on his bed. He walked up ever so slowly and did one of those sexy upside down kisses like Kirsten Dunst and Toby McGuire in the first Spiderman Movie. Then he twisted me over so fast and we were face to face. Our breathing patterns were matching. The last time we had a passionate night of sex was about 2 years ago. I ran my hands down slowly until I came to his rock hard penis and I knew I had never wanted to fuck so bad in all of my life until that very moment. He kissed me first slowly that later turned into a feverish make out session. Then right when I was about to get restless about the kissing he stuck that rock hard stick inside me and I swear all that was shit in my life up into that point was golden. I mean I’ve never gotten so much excercise like that in a long ass time. I was up, I was down, I was on my side, I was on my head, we were standing up, we were laying down, I was on top, he was on top, I was shaped like a preztel, he was shaped like a question mark……bottom line, we were fuckin’ and I wasn’t holding back. Don’t worry either, we were using condoms, I was horny but I wasn’t stupid. He was pulling my hair, I was biting his neck, he was scratching my back, I was choking his neck and by the time we were done all you could see was a pool of sweat on his bed where our bodies were laid.
    Now, normally I like to give you about 4 maybe 5 minutes tops of cuddling time but with Jo it’s different. He has this way of touching you while you talk where the 5 minute cuddle turns into 20. Next thing I know, we’re naked, I’m laying on my stomach and he’s laid on top of me stroking my neck and we’re just in deep conversation. If that’s his game he plays it well. I’m not trying to get attached to Jo though, he’s the type that’ll be a Bachelor until his 30’s when he realizes his ass is getting too damn old for motorbikes, nightclubs, and random bitches every other night. He’s afraid of commitment. Hence why I hadn’t been with him in 2 years, at least this time I know what I’m getting myself into, last time I didn’t, won’t make that mistake again. After our conversation I got up, said something about me having to get up early in the morning, put on my clothes and kissed him by. I wasn’t trying to do a drive-by screw but sometimes you have to play it like that with these guys, they’re too damn cocky. 
   I drove home feeling good. Not guilty at all. I’ve played by the rules for a long time and look where it got me? This summer is going to be totally different. I’m going to be safe but expect that inner “slore” (slut/whore) to reign supreme in 2010. And you know what the highlight of the night was? I didn’t get my period until the day after! Cheers to me! 
2010
06/04
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